so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
