I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
