You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
