the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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