her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
