Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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