if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
