I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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