genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
