There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
