fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
