i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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