RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
