When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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