You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
