I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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