Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
