Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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