oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
