The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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