Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
