Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
