If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
