Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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