Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
