found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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