R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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