I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
