So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
