yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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