Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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