what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
