forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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