Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
