I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
