you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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