I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
