Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
