We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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