I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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