I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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