you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
