my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
