It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
