I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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