'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
