hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
