life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
