All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
