I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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