Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
