Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
