i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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