the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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