Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
