You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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