i just had sex bonerless
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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